Baggins Secondary
by Elfobbit
Summary: It's school in ME! Nothing can be normal... when is it ever?


--Chapter 1--

Everyone screamed when the fire alarm went off. Gollum sat in the corner laughing his head off, swatting at them as they passed with his broom.

"Wasn't this supposed to be a fire drill?" some kid said.

"Muahahaha!!! Fire drillsss it iss for youss... iss fun for me'ss precious!!! Me'ss get to whack little chidlerinssss on the buttsesss."

"Gollum! I though I told you not to tell them this was a drill!" Principle Frodo yelled at him, taking his broom and whacking him on the head with it.

"No! Not the broomses!!! Iss dirty precious... DIRTY!!!!!"

Frodo blinked, "..."

"No dirt! Dirt bad! BAD!!!!!!!!!"

Frodo inched away from the janitor, "O...K..."

Legolas came flying out of the music room, carrying more instruments than anyone thought possible, "SAVE THE INSTRUMENTS!!!!!!! OUR PATHETIC LITTLE SCHOOL CAN'T AFFORD MORE!!!!!"

Aragorn blinked from down the hallway, "Uh... wasn't he told it was a drill?"

Frodo blinked again, "Whoops... I knew I forgot someone..."

Aragorn groaned, "I'm never doing another fire drill... EVER."

Their teachers dragged the kids back to their classes; disappointed the school wasn't a pile of ashes.

Legolas sat hyperventilating in the middle of the music room, surrounded by instrument boxes and sheet music, holding a folded stand as though ready to stab the next person to come within ten feet of him.

His students stood pressed against the back wall.

Frodo glanced in the class and blinked, "Uh... Legolas..."

"GO AWAY!" the elf yelled.

"Okay," the hobbit squeaked before fleeing from the room.

The weird kid, as she was known by most, had herself pressed against the wall of her math class, rolling back and forth against it crying, "Prince Charming! Prince Charming!" in an odd, singsong voice, effectively scaring her teacher... some stupid random orc that somehow managed to threaten himself into the school system.

"I love you! You're my Hero!" she cried, jumping onto the random orc.

The orc goes cross-eyed and falls over.

"NO! He's died!" she cried and jumped out the window.

The class stared at the window for a while before shrugging and turning back to finish their notes their teacher had written out in almost unintelligible writing.

It looked something like this...

NOTES

NAME OF PERSON!

DATE THAT IT IS!

2 plus 2 equals 5

2 minus 2 equals 4

5 plus 5 equals 23

5 minus 5 equals 7

1 plus 1 equals 55

1 minus 1 equals 155

7 plus 3 equals 110

7 minus 3 equals 421

The only reason the kids actually wrote this down was because their teacher threatened to shoot them through their hearts and burry them in the school sandbox, which was used more for a cat's litter-box than anything else.

If he was threatening more than one person, he'd threaten to barbeque their hearts afterwards and sell them in the cafeteria as shish kabobs.

The bell then rung and they all fled from the class, relief written on all their faces. Trying to get a transfer was impossible as it seems that the school oddly enough had only one class for each subject... then again... not many people were actually willing to come here anyways.

The next block in science started with watching their teacher pace back and forth, mumbling about how his brother had made off with his horse and cowboy hat, and how he had nearly been caught in the crossfire of his sons paint war... again.

The class sat and waited calmly, this wasn't new, Elrond was always pacing.

As soon as he calmed he pulled a towel off a tank full of frogs, "We're going to be dissecting these today."

Weird Kid started bouncing in her seat, "Their legs are a' goin'!"

Elrond blinked at her, "Um... yes... they do use those sometimes..."

She jumped up onto her desk and started hopping along them, croaking, suddenly she stopped and stuck her hand into the air.

"...yes..."

She croaked again, "Beacock!"

"Uh..."

"Do frogs say beacock?"

"No... they... don't..." he blinked again, "now sit down!"

She sat on the desk, "OK!"

Elrond groaned, "Oh forget it..."

"YAY! The froggets get to live now!" Weird Kid said happily, clapping her hands and bouncing.

Elrond slumped into his desk chair and downed a couple of Aspirin, "Why did I let them drag me into this?"

Meanwhile in the art room the kids were staring at their teachers. The two had refused to have different classes and even the kids were beginning to wish they did.

Paint was flying everywhere.

Elrohir grabbed a tube of bright pink paint and squirted his brother with it, dropping the empty one.

Elladan yelped and ducked, just barely getting out of the way before flicking a paintbrush in his younger brothers direction, splattering him with neon green paint.

"Oh! You're gonna pay for that!" he cut the top off the tube and dumped it over his brothers head.

The kids just glanced back and forth between them, completely used to this. At least their younger brother wasn't here... when he came in the disaster seemed to triple... in that case the students would end up covered in paint as well.

Gollum glanced into the room and screamed, "DIRTY!!!!!!!!" he fled down the hall.

Elladan blinked, "What's with him?"

"He's recently had an evil encounter with the dumpster... you don't wanna know," Elrohir grinned.

"Oh right! I remember that... wow... didn't think it would affect him that much..."

"You don't know what's in that thing..." Elrohir said quietly, "it's horrible."

"Yeah... it's garbage..."

"Not only..." dramatic pause, "it's Sam's old cooking."

"AH! THE HORROR!!!!" Elladan cringed, "I never thought I'd say this but... I feel sorry for him..."

"Ditto..." Elrohir said, watching Gollum come flying back up the hall in what looked like a space suit and starting to scrub vigorously at the paint splatters.

...............

Merry and Pippin sat in the home ec. Room, poking the kids continuously and telling them to finish with their baking quickly.

"We can't speed up time!" one kid finally growled.

"A ha! I'll bet you can! You're purposely slowing it to torture us!" Pippin yelped.

"Somehow I doubt that Pip," his cousin said slowly.

"Oh you do, do you?! You joined him! You're in league with him! How could you Merry how could you?!?!?!?!"

Merry blinked and edged away slightly.

Meanwhile, Legolas, who still seemed _slightly_ paranoid, ran into the gym and very nearly jumped on Aragorn.

"WHERE'S THE FIRE?!?! WE MUST PUT IT OUT!!!!! THE INSTRUMENTS WILL BURN!!!!!!!!!!" he cried.

Aragorn blinked, "Uh... Legolas... it was a drill... and it's been over for an hour already... there never was a fire..."

"NO! There is! There is a fire! You're just trying to keep me in here," he gasped, "you want me to SUFFOCATE IN THE FIRE!!!!!"

Aragorn rolled his eyes, "No Legolas... it was a drill... and you, my friend, are paranoid."

"Yeah... so?" he said, shifting and glancing around nervously.

"We all know you're scared of fire... but there is none, you don't need to be afraid... when there is no fire..." he said slowly.

Legolas blinked, "Ah... when you say it that way it makes sense!"

"Legolas... it's good to have a healthy fear of fire... but yours goes WAY beyond healthy..."

"So? I'm not the only one with fears!"

Aragorn nodded, "I know that... many here have irrational fears."

"Like, Gollum and his dirt... or Boromir and blueberry pies," Legolas said brightly.

"Yes, and Glorfindel and his... actually... his fear of Balrogs isn't really that irrational..." the human blinked then shrugged, "but there's Elrond and his fear of ending up with more kids... Bilbo's fear of the colour grey, Weird Kids fear of the random orc dieing, Gimli and his fear of books... I still don't know why they gave him that job as a librarian... Oh, Merry, Pippin and Sam's fear of a food shortage, Frodo's fear of lava, Gandalf's fear of pink frills, Saruman's fear of long hair, Arwen and Galadriel's fear of phones and Elladan and Elrohir's fear of being beaten in a prank war."

Legolas blinked, "What about you though?"

"Me? I'm scared of nothing," he said, crossing his arms.

"Oh? Look! A sock puppet!"

"WHERE?!?!" Aragorn fell to the ground and curled into a ball, "evil... evil, evil, evil evil evilevilevilevilevil..."

Frodo suddenly ran in, his eyes huge, "The superintendent is coming tomorrow!!"

They all screamed.

**A/N**

**Elven Kitten: Hello everyone!**

**Hobbit Child: Hi Ho!**

**E.K.: ...Hobbit... or dwarf?**

**H.C.: muh -.-**

**E.K.: Shrugs Okay, don't answer. Lol, Aaaaaaaaanywho, I hopeses that everyone liked our first chapter... if you didn't... it was her fault points**

**H.C.: Blame it on the little one! Cries**

**E.K.: Of course! Smaller, younger... dumber...**

**H.C.: Yeah, but I'm cuter to!**

**E.K.: Uh huh... of cooooouuuuuuurse you are... **

**H.C.: And I have a reason to be dumber, I haven't gone through as much school as you have so Meyahaya**

**E.K.: Meyahaya... that's new... Adds it to her ever-growing list of new and made up words well... I guess arguing with your really slow sister can only be interesting for so long... throws her down the well**

**H.C.: ........... riiiiiiight.... Elven, we don't have a well....**

**E.K.: ... so? I MADE one :D**

**H.C.: Whatever... Hope you liked the chapter, If you didn't like it, don't blame it on me, it's my first fic**

**E.K.: Of course... well... I'm gonna do some decorating around here... I liked my other home! I wanna go back... it was pretty... with it's tree... and well... and the cheese...**

**H.C.: Fine we'll decorate, but I want my own pony! Pweeses?**

**E.K.: Uh... sure... whatever you want... I can get rid of it if I don't like it anyway... so if it bites me... it's going down the well... lol, well! We gots work to do now! :P So I'll see you all later! Hope you enjoyed this! Oh, and if anyone's wondering the disclaimer will be in the bio nods c ya!**


End file.
